I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
