She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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