so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I wish there were birth control emojis
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
