Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
