i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just found puke in my bra..
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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