Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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