Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
