i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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