so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
