So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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