Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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