he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
