Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
