Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
