i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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