Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
