I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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