Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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