who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
