:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
