THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
