just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
