She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
