I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
