Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
