if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
