you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
