remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
