There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
