i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
