Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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