And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
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You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I love you. Go after that dick
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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