why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
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He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
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How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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