Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
