life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
