I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
