I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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