i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
There's always time for handjobs
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
