Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
