How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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