Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
