Jerry, you need to find god
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
