Can i not drive my cunt home
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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