I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
