im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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