Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
you made out with another girl for some wings
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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