is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
