My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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