It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
