I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
