i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
