I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
