if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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