i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
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