oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
How external is "for external use only"?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
